When Narcissistic Parents Weaponise Islam Against Their Children
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Parents have rights but they do not have absolute authority.
Allah commands justice even against your own parents.
Allah has forbidden Oppression.
Religious practice does not erase the rights of those you harm.
Islam Recognises circumstances, conditions and consessions.
Allahs Justice does not dissapear inside the family home.
There is a particular kind of psychological harm that can occur when narcissistic parents use religion to maintain control over their children.
They take verses about honouring parents, being dutiful toward them, speaking to them kindly, and obeying them, and turn those teachings into a weapon. The child is told that because they are the parent, they must listen. Because they are the parent, they must forgive. Because they are the parent, they must tolerate. Because they are the parent, they must remain available to them.
Eventually, the child can become so confused that they begin believing that protecting themselves from abuse is somehow going against Allah.
But this is not the right picture of Islam.
Sometimes the most important thing a survivor has to learn is that respect does not require self-destruction.
Parents Have Rights, But They Do Not Have Absolute Authority
Yes, parents have rights over their children. Islam takes the rights of parents seriously, and being dutiful toward them is a major obligation.
However, being dutiful to your parents does not mean that their authority is absolute.
Allah gives us an example of this in Qur'an 31:15. The verse is specifically referring to parents who pressure their child to associate partners with Allah. Allah says:
“But if they strive to make you associate with Me that of which you have no knowledge, do not obey them...” Qur'an 31:15
The specific situation mentioned in this verse is shirk, so we should not take it out of context and claim that this verse is directly discussing parental abuse.
However, the principle it establishes is extremely important: even parents do not possess absolute authority over their children.
An example being the way of Ibrahim and his father.
Allah tells the child not to obey them in something that would constitute disobedience to Allah, while simultaneously instructing the child to continue treating them appropriately in this world.
This shows that parental authority has boundaries. Parents have rights, but those rights do not give them permission to make their children commit sins, nor do they place parents above the commands of Allah. And this becomes particularly important when we discuss abuse.
A parent's position does not transform something inherently wrong into something permissible. If oppression is forbidden, it remains forbidden when the person committing it is your parent. If injustice is condemned, it does not suddenly become acceptable because it happens within a family. And if Allah commands justice, then justice must still be upheld when the person involved is your own mother or father.
Allah Commands Justice, Even Against Your Own Parents
Allah says:
“O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm in justice, witnesses for Allāh, even if it be against yourselves or parents and relatives. Whether one is rich or poor, Allāh is more worthy of both.” Qur'an 4:135
This is an incredibly powerful verse.
Allah does not say that justice only applies when the person being opposed is a stranger.
He specifically mentions parents and relatives.
Our emotional attachment to someone cannot be allowed to override justice and obedience to Allah.
So when an abusive parent takes verses about obedience and uses them to silence their child, we have to look at the Qur'an as a whole. Where does justice fit into that interpretation? Because Allah is Just. Allah does not suddenly stop being Just when the person committing the oppression is someone's mother or father.
To interpret Islam in a way that means an abusive parent can repeatedly destroy their child's wellbeing simply because they are the parent would contradict the broader principle of Allah's justice.
Allah is not unjust to His servants.
And we should be extremely careful about developing an understanding of Islam in which Allah supposedly gives one group of people permission to repeatedly oppress another group simply because of their status. That is not the way Islam teaches.
Allah Has Forbidden Oppression
In the Hadith Qudsi recorded in Sahih Muslim, Allah says:
“I have forbidden oppression for Myself and have made it forbidden amongst you, so do not oppress one another.” Sahih Muslim 2577
Think about the weight of that statement.
Allah has forbidden oppression. Allah commands justice.
Allah tells us to stand firmly for justice even when it is against our own parents.
So how could the rights given to parents possibly mean that they are allowed to oppress their children? They cannot. Their rights do not cancel the rights of their children.
One obligation does not become permission to commit another prohibited act.
Religious Practice Does Not Erase the Rights of Those You Harm
The Prophet ﷺ gave us one of the strongest warnings about this in the hadith of the bankrupt person.
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying: Do you know who is poor? They (the Companions of the Holy Prophet) said: A poor man amongst us is one who has neither dirham with him nor wealth. He (the Holy Prophet) said: The poor of my Umma would be he who would come on the Day of Resurrection with prayers and fasts and Zakat but (he would find himself bankrupt on that day as he would have exhausted his funds of virtues) since he hurled abuses upon others, brought calumny against others and unlawfully consumed the wealth of others and shed the blood of others and beat others, and his virtues would be credited to the account of one (who suffered at his hand). And if his good deeds fall short to clear the account, then his sins would be entered in (his account) and he would be thrown in the Hell-Fire. Sahih Muslim 2581
A person can have outward religious practice and still be severely accountable for how they treat other people.
And you cannot use your position as a parent as a shield against accountability.
Religious practice does not erase oppression. The Prophet ﷺ also taught that the rights of people will be restored on the Day of Judgment.
Abu Huraira reported Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) as saying: “Rights will certainly be restored to those entitled to them on the Day of Resurrection, (to the point that) even the hornless sheep will lay claim upon the horned one.” Sahih Muslim 2582
Islam Recognises Circumstances, Conditions and Concessions
Another problem with the way abusive parents can weaponize religion is that Islamic commands are sometimes presented as though every ruling applies identically to every person in every circumstance. But that is not how Islam works.
Fasting is obligatory, but Allah gives concessions to those who are ill or travelling.
Prayer is obligatory, but the way a person performs it can change when they are travelling, ill, or physically unable to pray normally.
Zakat is obligatory upon those who meet its conditions.
Eating pork is prohibited, but genuine necessity can create a concession when a person has no lawful means of obtaining food and faces genuine danger.
Hijrah itself has rulings that relate to a person's circumstances, ability and situation.
And Allah says:
“Allah does not burden a soul beyond what it can bear.” Qur'an 2:286
This does not mean that every hardship is automatically removed from a believer's life. Islam absolutely recognises that believers will be tested. But it does mean that we should not construct an understanding of Islam in which Allah supposedly commands a person to remain indefinitely within oppression while completely ignoring their circumstances, capacity and wellbeing.
How could we take a religion that recognises genuine necessity, illness, inability, travel, hardship and circumstance and then reduce the rights of parents to one simplistic message of:
“You must tolerate whatever they do because they are your parents”?
That does not fit with the broader principles of the religion. It does not fit with Allah's justice. It does not fit with the prohibition of oppression. And it does not fit with the way the Shariah itself recognises human circumstances and legitimate concessions.
Allah is Al-'Adl, the Just.
So when an interpretation of religion makes oppression appear to be something Allah demands from the oppressed, we need to question whether we are actually understanding the religion correctly, rather than assuming that Allah's commands are unjust.
Islam is not meant to be a religion that crushes people under impossible burdens. Allah says with regards to the exception of fasting :
"...whoever is ill or on a journey - then an equal number of other days. Allah intends for you ease and does not intend for you hardship and [wants] for you to complete the period and to glorify Allah for that [to] which He has guided you; and perhaps you will be grateful." Qur'an 2:185
This does not mean life will never be difficult. A believer can absolutely experience severe hardship, including abuse, loss and suffering. But hardship itself should not be confused with a divine command to remain in oppression. Just as how the Prophet Muhammad was commanded to migrate to Madinah with the believers for their safety as they were severely abused, tortured and humiliated and were unable to practice Islam there.
There is a difference between being tested by something you cannot immediately escape and being commanded to voluntarily remain in something harmful when you have the ability to take steps toward safety.
Because Allah's justice does not contradict itself. The command to honour parents cannot reasonably be interpreted in a way that contradicts Allah's commands to uphold justice and avoid oppression.
Allah's Justice Does Not Disappear Inside the Family Home
Perhaps one of the most important things an abused child needs to understand is this:
Allah sees what happened.
The fact that other people may not see it does not mean Allah does not.
The fact that relatives defend your parent does not mean Allah accepts the injustice.
The fact that your parent quotes Qur'an does not mean their interpretation is automatically correct.
And the fact that you are their child does not make you invisible before Allah.
Allah commands us to stand firmly for justice, even when the matter involves our own parents. So if someone uses religion to tell you that you must accept oppression because “they are your parents,” remember the wider picture.
Allah would never place abusive parents on a pedestal.
Your parents have rights.
But you have rights too.
Their rights do not erase yours.
Their status does not place them above accountability.
And your religion should never be reduced to a weapon that keeps you trapped in abuse.
Islam is not a religion that requires us to worship the image of a perfect family while ignoring the oppression taking place behind closed doors.
It is a religion in which Allah commands justice, forbids oppression, holds people accountable for how they treat one another, and restores the rights of those who were wronged.
