Enablers of Abuse

Many abusive situations are caused by individuals or circumstances that either intentionally or unintentionally permit the abuse to persist. They are referred to as enablers of abuse. In order to end the cycle and assist people impacted, it is essential to comprehend who or what permits abuse. This article will go into depth, providing clear evidences from the Quran and Sunnah as well.

What Does It Mean to Enable Abuse?

Creating an environment where abusive behaviour is accepted, disregarded, or subtly encouraged is known as "enabling abuse." Although they may not be the ones directly causing harm, enablers' acts or inactions facilitate the continuation of abuse. Families, workplaces, friendships, and communities can all experience this.

A family member is encouraging abuse, for instance, if they disregard warning signals of abuse or place the blame on the victim rather than the abuser. In similar fashion, a workplace or organisation that ignores or avoids taking accountability on harassment reports without taking appropriate action permits the issue to worsen.

Common Types of Enablers

• Family or Friends Who Deny or Minimize Abuse

Sometimes family members minimise the severity of abuse or refuse to accept that it is occurring:

• " It's just a misunderstanding"

• " They didn't mean it"

• " You know how... is"

• " But they are just your... (parents/sibling/family) "

These are some examples of what they might say depending on whether the abuse is from parents or family members, to highlight clearly abuse from parents can be of many types such as Psychological Abuse, Sexual Abuse, Physical Abuse, Financial Abuse, Narcissistic Abuse, and many more which will be covered in a article soon. This disregards the victim's experience, deters them from seeking assistance, and causes them to feel isolated due to a lack of support and the gaslighting of their experiences by others.

• People Who Protect the Abuser

Enablers may defend the abuser’s actions, make excuses, or cover up their behaviour. This can happen when the abuser holds power or influence, such as a boss, community leader, or family patriarch.

For instance, if the abuser is a parent, enablers such as uncles or aunts may benefit from their sibling, even if they are abusive, or they cannot imagine leaving their own sibling due to being enmeshed as it is a toxic family system. You will be able to distinguish who an enabler is even if they pretend to be on your side after fleeing abusive situations for example is, someone who is in the circle of the narcissist whilst knowing their true colours and still remains by their side for long period of time, e.g. relatives, mothers of narcissistic husbands and wives.

They may fool and trick you into thinking they are supporting you, however you will truly be able to know if they are sincere in that if you see their connection to the abuser. For example a mother of an abusive spouse, yet this mother speaks up and is clearly showing signs of disapproval for their child's behaviour, but on the other hand there is a mother of an abusive spouse who remains silent and laughs with their child's behaviour, ignores it, brushes it under the rug, acts like they never heard it, never speaks up, continues to shower their child with affection like they never do anything wrong, defends their child.

The second example is clear from the first example, you will be able to feel it when someone is an enabler and if you are confused and have a lot of doubts with that person most likely they are passive or enabling.

Remaining "Neutral" is something you hear from many enablers of abuse. Neutrality in situations where the abuse and oppression is clearly wrong and they still decide to take sides with the oppressor? That is not "neutrality" that is being passive in allowing abuse and shows signs of cowardice in not standing and defending for the abused.

You don't have to shout back at the abuser or aggressively stand your ground, that can make the abuse worse and aggravate the abuser more or even satisfy the abuser, but the least someone can do is support the victim, stay distant from the abuser, do not encourage the abusers behaviour, leave when the abuser acts up, and many more.

EVIDENCES FROM THE QURAN AND SUNNAH:

۞ لَّا يُحِبُّ ٱللَّهُ ٱلْجَهْرَ بِٱلسُّوٓءِ مِنَ ٱلْقَوْلِ إِلَّا مَن ظُلِمَ ۚ وَكَانَ ٱللَّهُ سَمِيعًا عَلِيمًا ١٤٨

Allāh does not like the public mention of evil except by one who has been wronged. And ever is Allāh Hearing and Knowing. (1)

۞ يَـٰٓأَيُّهَا ٱلَّذِينَ ءَامَنُوا۟ كُونُوا۟ قَوَّٰمِينَ بِٱلْقِسْطِ شُهَدَآءَ لِلَّهِ وَلَوْ عَلَىٰٓ أَنفُسِكُمْ أَوِ ٱلْوَٰلِدَيْنِ وَٱلْأَقْرَبِينَ ۚ إِن يَكُنْ غَنِيًّا أَوْ فَقِيرًۭا فَٱللَّهُ أَوْلَىٰ بِهِمَا ۖ فَلَا تَتَّبِعُوا۟ ٱلْهَوَىٰٓ أَن تَعْدِلُوا۟ ۚ وَإِن تَلْوُۥٓا۟ أَوْ تُعْرِضُوا۟ فَإِنَّ ٱللَّهَ كَانَ بِمَا تَعْمَلُونَ خَبِيرًۭا ١٣٥

O you who have believed, be persistently standing firm in justice, witnesses for Allāh, even if it be against yourselves or parents and relatives. Whether one is rich or poor, Allāh is more worthy of both. So follow not [personal] inclination, lest you not be just. And if you distort [your testimony] or refuse [to give it], then indeed Allāh is ever, of what you do, Aware. (2)

سَمَّـٰعُونَ لِلْكَذِبِ أَكَّـٰلُونَ لِلسُّحْتِ ۚ فَإِن جَآءُوكَ فَٱحْكُم بَيْنَهُمْ أَوْ أَعْرِضْ عَنْهُمْ ۖ وَإِن تُعْرِضْ عَنْهُمْ فَلَن يَضُرُّوكَ شَيْـًۭٔا ۖ وَإِنْ حَكَمْتَ فَٱحْكُم بَيْنَهُم بِٱلْقِسْطِ ۚ إِنَّ ٱللَّهَ يُحِبُّ ٱلْمُقْسِطِينَ ٤٢

[They are] avid listeners to falsehood, devourers of [what is] unlawful. So if they come to you, [O Muḥammad], judge between them or turn away from them. And if you turn away from them - never will they harm you at all. And if you judge, judge between them with justice. Indeed, Allāh loves those who act justly. (3)

لما مات المأمون رد أحمد إلى بغداد ، فسجن إلى أن امتحنه المعتصم ، وكان أحمد بن أبي دؤاد على قضاء القضاة ، فحمله على متحان الناس بخلق القرآن . قال أبو بكر المروذي : لما سجن أحمد بن حنبل ، جاء السجان ، فقال له : يا أبا عبد الله ، الحديث الذي روي في الظلمة وأعوانهم صحيح ) ؟ قال : نعم ، قال السحان : فأنا من أعوان الظلمة ؟ قال أحمد : فأعوان الظلمة من يأخذ شعرك ، ويغسل ثوبك ، ويصلح طعامك ، ويبيع ويشتري منك ، فأما أنت فين أنفسيهم " ...

When Al-Ma'mun died, Ahmad was returned to Baghdad and imprisoned until Al-Mu'tasim tested him. Ahmad bin Abi Du'ad was the chief judge, and he pressured him to test people regarding the createdness of the Quran. Abu Bakr Al-Marrudhi said: When Ahmad bin Hanbal was imprisoned, the guard came and said to him: "O Aba Abdullah, is the narration reported regarding the oppressors and their helpers authentic?" He replied: "Yes." The guard said: "Am I among the helpers of the oppressors?" Ahmad replied: "The helpers of the oppressors are those who cut your hair, wash your clothes, prepare your food, and buy and sell with you. As for you, you are among them." (4)

حَدَّثَنَا مُسَدَّدٌ، حَدَّثَنَا مُعْتَمِرٌ، عَنْ حُمَيْدٍ، عَنْ أَنَسٍ ـ رضى الله عنه ـ قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏"‏ انْصُرْ أَخَاكَ ظَالِمًا أَوْ مَظْلُومًا ‏"‏‏.‏ قَالُوا يَا رَسُولَ اللَّهِ هَذَا نَنْصُرُهُ مَظْلُومًا، فَكَيْفَ نَنْصُرُهُ ظَالِمًا قَالَ ‏"‏ تَأْخُذُ فَوْقَ يَدَيْهِ ‏"‏‏.‏

Narrated Anas: Allah's Messenger (ﷺ) said, "Help your brother, whether he is an oppressor or he is an oppressed one. People asked, "O Allah's Messenger (ﷺ)! It is all right to help him if he is oppressed, but how should we help him if he is an oppressor?" The Prophet (ﷺ) said, "By preventing him from oppressing others." (5)

حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ يَحْيَى الأَزْدِيُّ الْبَصْرِيُّ، حَدَّثَنَا مُحَمَّدُ بْنُ سَابِقٍ، عَنْ إِسْرَائِيلَ، عَنِ الأَعْمَشِ، عَنْ إِبْرَاهِيمَ، عَنْ عَلْقَمَةَ، عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ، قَالَ قَالَ رَسُولُ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم ‏ "‏ لَيْسَ الْمُؤْمِنُ بِالطَّعَّانِ وَلاَ اللَّعَّانِ وَلاَ الْفَاحِشِ وَلاَ الْبَذِيءِ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ قَالَ أَبُو عِيسَى هَذَا حَدِيثٌ حَسَنٌ غَرِيبٌ وَقَدْ رُوِيَ عَنْ عَبْدِ اللَّهِ مِنْ غَيْرِ هَذَا الْوَجْهِ ‏.‏

'Abdullah narrated that the Messenger of Allah said: "The believer does not insult the honor of others, nor curse, nor commit Fahishah, nor is he foul." (6)

حَدَّثَنَا وَهْبُ بْنُ بَقِيَّةَ، عَنْ خَالِدٍ، ح وَحَدَّثَنَا عَمْرُو بْنُ عَوْنٍ، أَخْبَرَنَا هُشَيْمٌ، - الْمَعْنَى - عَنْ إِسْمَاعِيلَ، عَنْ قَيْسٍ، قَالَ قَالَ أَبُو بَكْرٍ بَعْدَ أَنْ حَمِدَ اللَّهَ، وَأَثْنَى، عَلَيْهِ يَا أَيُّهَا النَّاسُ إِنَّكُمْ تَقْرَءُونَ هَذِهِ الآيَةَ وَتَضَعُونَهَا عَلَى غَيْرِ مَوَاضِعِهَا ‏{‏ عَلَيْكُمْ أَنْفُسَكُمْ لاَ يَضُرُّكُمْ مَنْ ضَلَّ إِذَا اهْتَدَيْتُمْ ‏}‏ قَالَ عَنْ خَالِدٍ وَإِنَّا سَمِعْنَا النَّبِيَّ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَقُولُ ‏"‏ إِنَّ النَّاسَ إِذَا رَأَوُا الظَّالِمَ فَلَمْ يَأْخُذُوا عَلَى يَدَيْهِ أَوْشَكَ أَنْ يَعُمَّهُمُ اللَّهُ بِعِقَابٍ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ وَقَالَ عَمْرٌو عَنْ هُشَيْمٍ وَإِنِّي سَمِعْتُ رَسُولَ اللَّهِ صلى الله عليه وسلم يَقُولُ ‏"‏ مَا مِنْ قَوْمٍ يُعْمَلُ فِيهِمْ بِالْمَعَاصِي ثُمَّ يَقْدِرُونَ عَلَى أَنْ يُغَيِّرُوا ثُمَّ لاَ يُغَيِّرُوا إِلاَّ يُوشِكُ أَنْ يَعُمَّهُمُ اللَّهُ مِنْهُ بِعِقَابٍ ‏"‏ ‏.‏ قَالَ أَبُو دَاوُدَ رَوَاهُ كَمَا قَالَ خَالِدٌ أَبُو أُسَامَةَ وَجَمَاعَةٌ ‏.‏ وَقَالَ شُعْبَةُ فِيهِ ‏"‏ مَا مِنْ قَوْمٍ يُعْمَلُ فِيهِمْ بِالْمَعَاصِي هُمْ أَكْثَرُ مِمَّنْ يَعْمَلُهُ ‏"‏ ‏.‏

Narrated Abu Bakr: You people recite this verse "You who believe, care for yourselves; he who goes astray cannot harm you when you are rightly-guided," and put it in its improper place.

Khalid's version has: We heard the Prophet (ﷺ) say: When the people see a wrongdoer and do not prevent him, Allah will soon punish them all. Amr ibn Hushaym's version has: I heard the Messenger of Allah (ﷺ) say: If acts of disobedience are done among any people and do not change them though the are able to do so, Allah will soon punish them all.

Adu Dawud said: This tradition has also been transmitted by Abu Usamah and a group transmitters similar to the version narrated by Khalid. The version of Shu'bah has: "If acts of obedience are done among any people who are more numerous than those who do them...." (7)

• Systems That Fail to Act

Institutions like schools, workplaces, or law enforcement can enable abuse by ignoring reports, delaying investigations, or lacking clear policies. When victims feel unheard or unsafe, they are less likely to come forward. The systems may also gaslight the victim into tolerating the abuse or believing that they are overreacting, moving the goalpost into temporarily keeping the victim down by claiming to take action but does not do so.

They may even side with the abuser due to the abuser being part of a big company in which their position is high or difficult to replace, they are connected well, have been part of the company for a long time. Therefore their only option would be to remove the person calling the issue as it would be easier to replace them in their eyes then change their own team due to bias or favouritism.

Systems like these often tend to be used to the loud or abusive person and are automatically built to tolerate them in a way they expect the victim to shrink or remain silent and not disrupt or cause friction. They ostracize the one speaking the truth and being abused.

• Victims Themselves as Unintentional Enablers

Sometimes victims stay silent or avoid confrontation out of fear, shame, or hope the abuser will change. While understandable, this silence can allow abuse to continue.

Therefore the victim must gain a backbone and learn to not confront the abusers as with the case of abusers they do not deal with confrontation well, rather planning in secret and not revealing anything to the abuser on further steps you will need for your safety.

However for the time being if one is planning to escape remaining silent and "grey rocking" (giving no emotions and short answer questions which the abuser can not cling onto to fuel them) then that can be a short term method until one leaves the abusive situation.

However if the abusive situation harms you further if you speak out then distance is required at all costs no matter who it is, as mentioned in the evidences even if it is family.

Then from there, assessing ones severity, if the abuse continues as abusers can escalate if distanced and one needs to take further action to protect one self, cutting ties may be required, or low contact, this will depend on the type of abuser one is dealing with. There will be an article published on this very soon.

• "Ask a Scholar"

Unfortunately there are many people who rush to seek approval on the severity of ones situation from scholars. There are many scholars who do not understand abusive situations or are educated on abuse, especially psychological abuse which is more hidden.

Therefore the victim of abuse should know that only they know how bad their situation is on their wellbeing and health and they should assess what is best for them. Many scholars can unfortunately enable by pushing the "remain that is your father" "that is your mother have sabr" "that is your spouse you should talk it out", which can be severely invalidating as the victim would have obviously already exhausted all the possible options to be even reaching out to a scholar and can be religiously guilting one into remaining.

But you do not need scholarly approval to protect your self from abuse at all.

Abuse is Abuse, if it harms one self and the victim would be able to know then the victim has the right to take the measures needed to protect one self, whether that is leaving, cutting ties, having contact here and there.

It all depends on the victim and their situation. Sometimes some victims have to deal with Psychopathic parents/siblings, a scholar has no right to tell a victim to remain without realising how severe that abuse it.

Even if a scholar is educated on such topics sometimes they may not grasp the whole effects of abuse and how such abusive situations actually cant be navigated as easily as the advice they give, as one can only give advice perfectly if one has been in similar shoes to know how severely it can impact a person. So the victim must learn to seek external support systems as well as remembering Allah does not allow one to remain in a place of injustice, as mentioned in the Islamic evidences there is many to support this.

Why Do People Enable Abuse?

Enabling abuse often comes from fear, loyalty, or lack of awareness, or cowardice. People may worry about breaking up families, losing friendships, or facing retaliation. Others might not recognize the signs of abuse or believe the victim’s story. Cultural or social pressures can also play a role, encouraging people to keep problems private.

But that is when one learns to break the cycle and reclaim their life, Allah will only hold each person accountable for their own lives, therefore there will be an incredible amount of regret if one does not try to reclaim control as it is their life and they will only regret not making any moves or steps to get out of the abusive situation.

They cannot blame it on others, each person will feel the regret of the loss of their own time, meanwhile the abuser would be fulfilled and that cannot be changed. Yes Allah will serve justice however Allah that does not mean one stays in a situation that harms them, that is unjust to the victim's own self.

Having "sabr" whilst remaining and not taking any further steps is not correct islamically. One should be taking the steps to get out of the abusive situation. This is a massive cultural and societal misconception rather that would be enabling of abuse if one advised a victim to remain with the abuser and have "sabr".

The Prophet Musa عَلَيْهِ ٱلسَّلَامُ fled Firaun even though it was his own family. The Prophet Muhammad صلى الله عليه وسلم was given permission to migrate to Madinah with the believers for their safety after being abused in Makkah. There is many that one can reflect upon in history.

How to Stop Enabling Abuse

Stopping abuse requires action from everyone involved. Here are some practical steps:

• Listen and Believe Victims

Show support by validating their experiences. Avoid blaming or questioning their story.

• Speak Up Against Abuse

Challenge excuses or harmful attitudes when you hear them. Silence can be seen as approval. But know whether speaking up would cause more harm. If so one should try to physically remove them selves from that environment.

• Encourage Professional Help

Suggest counseling, legal advice, or support groups for victims and abusers willing to change.

• Hold Abusers Accountable

Support consequences for abusive behaviour through workplace policies, legal channels, or community standards.

• Educate Yourself and Others

Learn about signs of abuse and healthy relationships. Share this knowledge to raise awareness.

References:

1. (Surah An-Nisa - 4:148)

2. (Surah An-Nisa - 4:135)

3. (Surah Al-Ma'idah - 5:42)

4. Manaqib al-Imam Ahmad ibn Hanbal- Chapter Sixty-Nine: Regarding his story with Al-Mu'tasim

   By Al-Hafiz Abi Al-Faraj Abd Al-Rahman ibn Ali ibn Muhammad ibn Al-Jawzi (510 AH - 597 AH). - Verification Dr. Abd Allah ibn Abd Al-Muhsin Al-Turki.

5. Sahih al-Bukhari 2444,  Book 46, Hadith 5

6. Jami` at-Tirmidhi 1977, Book 27, Hadith 83

7. Sunan Abi Dawud 4338, Book 39, Hadith 48