Healing Begins Away from Narcissistic Parents
- Apr 3
- 7 min read
Trusting Allah With What You Leave Behind
Even when you know deep down that walking away is the right thing, there’s still that fear. What if you’re wrong? What if you regret it? What if you don’t find better?
This is when ones sincerity in tawakkul is put to test:
“And whoever puts their trust in Allah, then He is sufficient for them.” (1)
You’re not just leaving a person/group of people. You’re leaving something your heart was attached to. And that’s why it feels like loss, even if it’s the right choice.
But remember this:
“Perhaps you dislike something while it is good for you, and perhaps you love something while it is bad for you. Allah knows, and you do not know.” (2)
Just when you think its over:
O Prophet, say to whoever is in your hands of the captives, "If Allāh knows [any] good in your hearts, He will give you [something] better than what was taken from you, and He will forgive you; and Allāh is Forgiving and Merciful." (3)
Lets bring up Musa عليه السلام, he had to flee when the Firaun wanted to kill him so he had to flee malnourished, hungry, exhausted in the desert to go from Egypt to Madyan. No food or supplies. He found shade under a tree, and made the dua:
"My Lord! I am truly in ˹desperate˺ need of whatever provision You may have in store for me" (4)
After this his whole situation changed, he was provided with food, a job, a wife, showing he still had tawakkul even though there was nothing with him.
Another concept of tawakkul shown from Prophet Musa, was when he fled with the believers for their safety due to Firaun and his army chasing them, reaching the red sea which he said:
"No! Indeed, with me is my Lord; He will guide me" (5)
He still didn't despair and that is when the miracle of the sea being parted with the staff occurred. Such miracles and blessings can occur from places one can never imagine if one places their trust in Allah, knowing that he will always replace what is lost with what is better.
After one survives and flees Narcissistic parents, one looses a home in many aspects which one has to grieve. Grieving is a process which we will cover in a future article soon.
However Allah knew that the survivor has left to protect them selves from harm and abuse as Allah is All-Seeing. Allah is Al-Wadud (The Loving), Al-Qahhaar (The One in Control of All), there is multiple names one can reflect upon to show and to calm ones heart knowing Allah is aware beyond the things one can see unfolding in front of them, not knowing Allah will always give better.
Another example is Prophet Yusuf who eventually became the Governor of Egypt, despite going through severe hardships, whilst being known for ruling with justice. Standing for Justice is a core value in Islam and knowing Allah is the source of all blessings and Rizq what makes you think he will prevent a slave of Allah from receiving bounties, when all is in his control?
On the authority of Abu Abbas Abdullah bin Abbas (may Allah be pleased with him) who said: One day I was behind the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allah be upon him) [riding on the same mount] and he said, “O young man, I shall teach you some words [of advice]: Be mindful of Allah and Allah will protect you. Be mindful of Allah and you will find Him in front of you. If you ask, then ask Allah [alone]; and if you seek help, then seek help from Allah [alone]. And know that if the nation were to gather together to benefit you with anything, they would not benefit you except with what Allah had already prescribed for you. And if they were to gather together to harm you with anything, they would not harm you except with what Allah had already prescribed against you. The pens have been lifted and the pages have dried."
It was related by at-Tirmidhi, who said it was a good and sound hadeeth. Another narration, other than that of Tirmidhi, reads:
Be mindful of Allah, and you will find Him in front of you. Recognize and acknowledge Allah in times of ease and prosperity, and He will remember you in times of adversity. And know that what has passed you by [and you have failed to attain] was not going to befall you, and what has befallen you was not going to pass you by. And know that victory comes with patience, relief with affliction, and hardship with ease. (6)
“We will test you with something of fear, and hunger and loss of wealth, and souls and vegetation. And give glad tidings to those who have patience. Those who if in any difficulty or trial, or tribulation occurs to them or happens to them, they say: ‘Verily We are from Allah and to Allah we return.’ They are those who will receive prayers from their Lord and Mercy and it is those who are guided.” (7)
Abu Hurairah (رضي الله عنه) narrated that the Prophet (صلى الله عليه وسلم) said: Allah, the Mighty and Majestic, said: “I am to my slave as he thinks of Me. If he has good thoughts of Me, then that is good for him, and if He has bad thoughts then that is bad for him.” (8)
“Do not be sad, indeed Allah is with us.” And Allah sent down His tranquillity upon him.” (9)
Unleash of Emotions
Once a victim has left the narcissistic environment, and they begin to have all this space for them selves, within a short amount of time the silence and loneliness will give them extra space to process the emotions that they would have never expected to arise. One must not escape from this but sit down with it and deal with it using patience and kindness. View it like your now having the space to heal your inner child, it can finally properly begin. One must not be harsh to this inner child as that is part of the process of rewiring ones inner voice from being an inner critic to becoming ones own safe space and home. When one has the space and no distractions or enablers that can hold the survivor from fully stepping away emotionally to heal, then that is when healing can take full effect as all the energy can now be focused on healing.
There comes a lot of discomfort whilst dealing with this silence and space, especially with fresh survivors of abuse. However you cannot escape from this if you plan to heal properly. Eventually the survivor would feel a withdrawal from the chaos which due to this they may expect the narcissistic parents to appear, or expect any sort of chaos to arise.
The person still is in the process of adapting to a permanent environment of it being chaos-free as they had just stepped out of survival mode. This is normal as a survivor has lived and grew up in chaos which is what they normally expect this pattern throughout their days. However, as there is a shift in environment free from the negativity, it is like a sudden vanish, something a survivor has to adjust to after being used to expecting chaos and abuse.
This is when the survivor realises many things along the way and begins to become more wiser after not having any of the presence of narcissists that stunts ones progression to healing.
It is recommended to take therapy and counselling depending on the survivors inner ability of self awareness and emotional intelligence, the survivor would know what is suited for them.
The survivor has to transmute this anger and sad emotions using techniques such as writing, ranting to a therapist, speaking to someone, support groups, voice notes, exercise. This is needed to speed up the process as the more the survivor speaks about it to someone they can lean on like a therapist the more they are able to move forward and process it faster. Converting these sad emotions into positive and productive actions is a brilliant way to prevent one from being stagnant.
The Gems of Exercise:
Now I am going to get a bit into the scientific side of it ~ this is not to make you sleep don't worry!
Exercise is another form of healing trauma, by moving ones body, lifting weights, working out, it removes the anxiety and trauma stored in ones body. It is proven that without physical movement the body will store trauma and anxiety in certain parts of the body, remaining stagnant.
It lowers cortisol (stress hormone which increases during narcissistic abuse intensely causing all these physical symptoms and a shrinkage of the hippocampus - associated with processing trauma and promoting new growth of brain cells, quite interesting right?).
According to neurology, exercise can heal neurological wirings affected by trauma, this is known as neuroplasticity, it can reverse trauma by promoting the growth of new brain cells, improving neural connections and emotional regulation. Therefore, the energy remaining stagnant in the body causes certain body parts to hurt, like the shoulders, or even if one feels miserable or sluggish. Even certain body parts start to feel tense and tight due to anxiety and tension being stagnant.
Exercise is also a mood regulator as it releases hormones such as Endorphins (natural pain killers), Serotonin (mood regulators) and Dopamine (satisfaction and reward) which are all key to processing trauma and healing faster. Other things such as spending time in nature, being around pets, healthy relationships, maintaining a healthy diet can eventually be built back up which regulates ones nervous system and heals a survivor from trauma fast. Due to the rhythms of exercising it mimics the processing of EMDR (a highly recommended therapy given to trauma survivors to process their traumas).
Exercise also strengthens the pre-frontal cortex which is massive for regulating, healing and emotional intelligence. Due to growing up in narcissistic families the victims pre-frontal cortex developments gets stunted due to intense trauma, which is why you see many adults act immature, it gets stunted even in narcissists when they had reached the stage in their life where they became severely traumatised to eventually becoming a narcissist. People can be extremely immature, or stunted in growth and intellect, that is due to their pre-frontal cortex being stunted at the age they were traumatised and stopped growing mentally further at. For a survivor they must focus on their healing and growth to prevent this from happening.
References:
(Qur’an 65:3)
(Qur’an 2:216)
(Qur'an 8:70)
(Qur'an 28:24).
(Qur'an 26:62).
Hadith 19, 40 Hadith an-Nawawi
(Qur'an 2:155)
(Imām Ahmad reports in the Musnad, no. 9076, saheeh)
(Qur'an 9:40)
